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Saturday, 5 January 2008

Respect your elders and fetters!

Image:Charlotte Bronté's Jane Eyre book coverThe wife had been reading Jane Eyre (by Charlotte Brontë) recently, which incidentally you can download for free as an ebook from the wonderful Project Gutenburg if you don't already own a copy.
She came across the word 'fetters' a few times and asked me to remind her what those were. With the word fetters not cropping up much in my general conversations, I had to do what we all do when we can't remember the definition of a word, usually what we do before even trying to remember the definition of a word, or as in my case, not having the faintest idea. I Googled it!
Of course the great Wikipedia was there at the ready explaining that fetters were another word for shackles or leg irons, but it wasn't number one on the list. Oooooh no.
The site to rank at number one on the list when entering fetters into Google (.co.uk not .com, your results may vary) was, not surprisingly, a site called Fetters.co.uk.

Fetters, it turns out, is an online shop based in Warwickshire in the UK. They would appear to be, what you may call, catering for a 'specialist market'. Although, if like me you'll probably just refer to it as kinky. Hehe.
I know what you're thinking; 'well does a site that calls itself Fetters actually sell fetters for home use?'. Well of course they do! And a lot more besides.
Some of the categories listed on their site include:
  • Whips, Paddles and Canes (oh my!).
  • Strait Jackets and Suits.
  • Electrical Play (Kids! Don't stick your fingers into electrical sockets!).
  • Pre 19th Century Irons (our fettered friends, hehe).
And the amusingly named (well I can't say them without smirking)...
  • Fist Mitts
  • Tit Toys
Okay, so I'm going to show you a little selection of what they have on offer. See if you can guess what the picture is of, before reading the description. Haha.
As Rolf Harris used to say "can you guess what it is yet?"

Image:Folson Electrified Butt PlugWell doesn't this look cool? Nice shiny chrome looking object. I'm not entirely sure what it's made of, but it is metal. Is it a designer paper weight? A doorstop maybe? Got it yet? I'm sure they'll even be some of you out there, embarrassed and shocked at yourself for guessing/recognising what it is straight away by its shape, hehe.
It's a...Folsom Electrified Butt Plug! Of course, lol. In fact the site's description describes it as:

"Very high quality bi-polar butt plug 15cm long x 45mm diameter with conductive bands running down each side. Quite shocking!"


Now you may be saying WTF?!?! But hey, I've seen these things shown, talked about and even used on DAYTIME television! On a family program! Okay it was a zoo vet type thingy and it was being used on a giraffe, but STILL!

They were concerned that the male giraffe wasn't able to 'get it up' in the usual way, as they had never seen him 'flexing his lurve muscle towards the laydez' (Jeez! Can't a guy get a little privacy). So they gave him a helping hand. Well actually that's where the probe comes in. It's so they don't have to literally give him a 'helping hand' (ewww!).
The young zookeeper lady told us (while barely concealing a smirk), how the enormous probe she held up to camera (and that they had nicknamed "The Torpedo"), had been preceded by a rising scale of smaller probes to (err) "train" the giraffe. But now he's happy to let them shove the massive anal probe (borrowed from aliens?) up his butt, switch it on and trigger him to 'spunk his junk' into a large cup on command (Hmmm, wonder if sperm banks buy many of these to keep the donor rotation moving swifter?).

Image:Electrode CatheterOkayyyy, what about this then? Not so clear from the shape as to what this might be. Also from the small picture, you get no sense of scale. Well, I don't really want to think too much about how you use this item (but hey, "whatever floats ya boat"), so I'm just going to tell you they call it an Electrode Catheter. Stainless steel. 7.5cm long x 10mm diameter. (Yowzah!).

Image:genuine British Policeman's TruncheonAnd last but not least. To be found in the Miscellaneous section along with the red PVC Bondage Tape, Padlocks, Leather Teddy and Spare Handcuff Key you'll find something every couple needs if one of you is pretending to be a policeman or more specifically a "Bobby on the beat" as this is a "Genuine British Police Issue Truncheon from Hiatt, in solid hardwood, painted black".
Alternatively, I suppose it would make a handy cosh (Blackjack)to stash in the bedside cabinet for when you need to issue your own justice on an unwelcome burglar! Hehe.

NOTE: Originally posted 19 August 2007 at Image:Weird Wonderful Web button

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